dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
