I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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