She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
