We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
