and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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