when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize