He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
