when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
