Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize