I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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