does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
as a side note pls kill me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
