You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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