Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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