We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
