We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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