I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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