i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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