My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
