Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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