: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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