i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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