paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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