ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
