I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
