A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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