i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
