trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
