Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
