im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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