meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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