I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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