last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
