Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
