did you get engaged???
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize