I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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