so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
