She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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