wrigley field is MILF paradise
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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