Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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