Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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