upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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