I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
