I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
