I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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