well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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