Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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