I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
