Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize