her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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