I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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