Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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