i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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