You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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