$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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