Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
