you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
