Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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