I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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