just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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