I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize