I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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