I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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