Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
