I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
