You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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